Things that I want to tell my mom but I can’t.
¹ Studying isn’t easy.
* You used to tell me “All you have to do is to study and you can’t even do it right.” Mom, just like you I am also tired. Probably, you are always tired from work and you underestimate the fact that I am also getting tired on my Academics. I want you to know that I may look like physically okay, but I am not mentally and emotionally. You are putting too much pressure on me and sometimes I cannot handle it anymore. You are treating me like a robot, you always push me to work harder, when there are times that my battery is drained and I need longer time to recharge. Just like you, I also get tired, but I know that you are also tired so I always set aside my self.
² You always invalidate my voice, my emotions, and my feelings, but I don’t have any courage to tell you.
* There are times that I want to tell you its not like what you think, but you take my answers as disrespectful. Defending myself infront of you is illegal, you are always right and I am always wrong. Sometimes, I want to speak out the thoughts inside my mind and tell you how I feel, but everytime I remember how you invalidate me, my heart aches until I cry and get drown on my own tears. How can I speak up when you are not willing to listen? To be honest, I am breaking down alone inside my room during the times you thought I am okay.
³ You always tell me you finance me, you dressed me, you are feeding me, and everything I have right now is because of you, but you never asked me if I want all of these, you never asked me if I really want to live.
* I think it’s your responsibility as a parent to take good care of me and to raise me but why do I feel like you do it because you have no choice at all? I didn’t want anything. All I want is to have a parent who will at least value me as a human being, as a daughter, and not as someone who needs to pay everything in return. Sometimes, I cry alone in my room and hoping you will hear me, hug me, and ask me what happen so at least I will never feel alone on the dark corner, I will never feel like I have no parent. Sadly, you never hesitate to ask me even once, you value my grades and achievements but not my emotional or mental health.
Mom, am I too emotional? But can you blame me if I have tons of resentments towards you? It’s not my choice to live in this world, you gave it to me.
Things that I want to tell my mom but I can’t.
— fayee, the things i can’t voice out
